sounds (i)

when i say earth-shattering,

i notice how my tongue must touch the roof of my mouth to say it with accuracy, which is to say something shatters in the slightness of this upward movement itself — earth-

–shattering, like a whisper a whirl a sliver a jitter a push a pull a scream a song a shadow a shiver of a heartbeat, how my mother is a

a soft shade of blue in the mornings, the light stretched across her face like cellophane wrap, time silenced by the lull of routine before

it is time to wake me up. i say five more minutes, and wake up with no song stuck in my head. i walk to the window in our room that overlooks the garden

to see if the rose that i photographed the day before is still the rose. i see it everyday. my fear of not finding the rose as it was

has created a rose that will blossom on loop till i wake up one day and have no memory of the rose, or till there is a day when i don’t wake up at all. it is strange how every time i say shatter 

i can almost hold the softness of the word inside of me, like breath. shatter. it feels like homemade marmalade of bread. the everydayness of shattering 

is blue breaking into empty hallways and emptier hearts, roses settling into brackets of absence, fingers curling around earthen teacups, overexposed faces in old photographs, gleaming

despite everything.

//

4/10: today was a great day! i wouldn’t say i slept very well last night but i think i managed to sleep enough. i went to the post-office this morning and sent nine postcards! i also bought a bunch of stamps so i can keep sending postcards from the University itself. we went to the superstore later and amongst other things, i bought really lovely mushrooms and chamomile tea. we came back in time to be able to try the Panna Cotta in the cafeteria and candied sweet potato. it was absolutely worth it. i spent the rest of the afternoon reading an anthology of Japanese death poems before meeting my Independent Study Project advisor. i also treated myself to ice-cream for no reason whatsoever. we ate Japanese rice with freshly made dal for dinner. i also managed to go for a short run. the highlight of the day was attending an hour-long practice session for the tea ceremony. i tried mochi, which is a phenomenal Japanese dessert. (thanks, Sophie, for inviting me! I’m quite thrilled.)

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